Open letter to Apple.

This morning, I was disgusted to find the news riddled with a report that Apple is misogynistic. As a woman, I find it repulsive that you are encouraging a bias against my taloned sisters. For centuries women have been conditioned to embrace the least conducive ways of living as a method to render us useless. The most useless among us win the best mates and the distinction of success.

We are, at our core, property. The more unnatural our bodies, the more assured of our position we become. Nail modification is a realistic place to start. Not only is it affordable but it, with practice, can become one of the first things noticeable about our bodies. Having acrylic so long that one cannot grasp a can of beer without puncturing it creates an aura of helplessness that traps many a hapless male. It is the start of a cycle that renders us the most illustrious of possessions. And as living property, we must be afforded the best of everything.

The iPhone, if I must descend to reveal, is certainly one of the most sought after little pastimes. It is a mark of appeal and of elitism. One must beg the question why it and women aren’t made for each other. For it to make nails a handicap is unforgivable. How dare you try to damage this time honored practice of female inferiority by creating a phone that cannot respond to our acrylic glory.

Fuck you Apple, and your little phone too.